A Bully, A Judge, and the whisper of Condescension
- demichellewrites
- Apr 12
- 2 min read
While the question has been asked of me, going home is not an option. At least, not a healthy one.
There are many variations of disorders, if I’m correct. Therefore, the three titles above might hint at being pathological.
I spent all of my life trying to weasel around one person in order to hear the second person which was followed by that whisper.
It is overwhelming to make an effort to anticipate the behavior of another who hasn’t behaved the same way twice.
I think “No. You’re wrong. I’ll tell you…” coupled with the three fingernail triangle poking at my chest is predictable. This predictability means always.
Why then would I go home to that?
The crossed arms and scowls, again, why would I?
The low key whisper of ‘I know you certainly wouldn’t know..’ is not exactly inviting.
There are only a few people linking me to my home and they have no idea about any of this.
One of them and I both have traumatic past experiences and they would be the only invitation that I would feel good accepting.
The problem there is that these other personalities cling tightly to him.
I have heard the “What about me’s” “You’re wrongs” and “Of course you wouldn’t knows” so often in the past that I’ve been left feeling that I am not enough.
Since I was detached from my feelings I felt an absence within. I just was. I don’t live in that absence anymore. It is behind me. Nor, do I welcome its return.
No Contact has become the only coping strategy available to me.
I know that may seem harsh but it’s either them or me. I say that because I was watching a show the other day about a gentleman who had returned from Iraq. At the end of the show, he goes to a support group for Veterans, and tells a story about how he made friends with a local gentleman in Iraq, and one day, as he broke down a door, there was that same man.
They both froze. A commander stepped in and took that gentleman out.
The moral of that story is, it’s either them or me.
I was moved by that statement because that’s the position that I am in. I was able to relate to it.
It is either them shooting me or me shooting them. It’s either them or me.
I can’t imagine anybody being completely comfortable with a no contact policy, but I can imagine
everybody understanding what I mean by “it’s either them or us”.
I need to take care of me. Philisophacly, that is a bit of a commandment. Taking care of oneself should be an integral part of any path that any of us would choose to take.
I’m sorry if my decision needs to become yours. It isn’t easy. But, my reader, you will find that being on the correct end of that decision is a huge relief and an invitation to inner peace.
We hear you,
deMichelle
WIGT, WIGT….what I’m going through while I’m going through it
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