Can't touch this
- demichellewrites
- Mar 21
- 3 min read
The biggest and most devastating loss of all was when I went to retrieve my file of writings and the file was gone. My life, my world, my memories....gone. My hard work.
There were only two adults who knew where they were.
I confronted them, of course, and all they would do is shrug. No verbal denial. No validation. Except "You don't need it." Oh, how I hate that phrase, now.
Thinking back, today, I wonder if that's what happened to my clown costume? I'd convinced myself that I must have loaned it to someone. I drove myself crazy trying to remember who?
This wasn't the first place I'd heard it. Someone said it often and repetitively, with me to bear witness, "You don't need it."
Once they were describing to me that their parent had thrown away their collection of baseball cards because that parent said, "you don't need them". From the 16-year-old overly manipulated me, who does that?
I see, looking back on it, now, that they had described that whole situation to me without any feelings of their own. They had a blank stare. Silent eyes.
I recall having seen that same empty expression on my own face in a video from my childhood. I was two. I had a blank stare. Silent eyes.
I have learned, now, that they were not the person for me but, back then, I understood that they were poorly raised. I believed it, but I had no idea what the ramifications would be to the person who chose to take up residence with them.
I can still hear the voices in my head. "You don't need it!"
But I...."you don't need it!”
This battle started when my child was encouraged, by their new teachers, to write. At some point they asked me a writing question and I thought to go find an example of the type of phrase in question in my file. The file was gone.
Talk about taking a person down at the knees. My heart was broken. It still is 20 years after the discovery.
Not anymore!
Twice I've started blog pages and twice I've shut them down in response to one intrusive reader. One person who constructed an entirely new personality for me based on a few blurbs. Blurbs that spoke only on the foundation of abandonment trauma.
Once again, there were only two adults whose opinions were involved. They must, also, have believed that I was too foolish to understand that I was not writing nonsense or chaos. That I was not delusional.
I am today, the same person that I have always been. The one who cowers in the face of confrontation. Anyone who has known me over each and every one of those years would know this to be true.
I'm not going to play this game anymore. If I have something to say, I am going to say it. I may not be legally or medically qualified to assign labels, so I won't, but I have over 50 years of life experience in this world surrounded by personality disorders which allows me to say what I recall.
These words are my own and mine alone. They cannot be discarded anymore. They cannot be manipulated anymore. They cannot be voluntarily reconstructed through any one persons imagination.
In the end, in this post, my life experience recalls what it recalls.o
We hear you,
deMichelle
WIGT, WIGT….what I’m going through while I’m going through it
Buy now - off the Dance Floor
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